Qualities Of The Virtuous Man Women Should Look For
These qualities in a virtuous man are essentially what would make me consider a man suitable for marriage to a woman pastor. Meaning this particular woman pastor. Every girl, pastor or otherwise, should develop her own list of non-negotiables i.e. the things she is not prepared to compromise on.
Are these essential qualities of a virtuous husband more virtual than realistic?
Men and women are growing increasingly disenchanted with each other. Too many games, abuse and exploitation. Too much deception and too many lies. Trust has been replaced by cynicism and jadedness. Finding the qualities you are looking for in a mate is for some an exercise in frustration.
Yet, online Dating Sites continue to grow as human beings reach out, seeking each other. There is still the quest to find the right one. Forget Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty and the ruggedly handsome businessman and naive (read fool-fool) woman in romance novels. These are the days of the Princess and Shrek living like America and Iraq.
Still I believe that people shouldn’t just settle. I never have and I’m not prepared to. A good man deserves a good woman and a good woman who desires marriage should wait until she finds one with the essential qualities she is looking for in a husband. Too many women (and men) feel pressured by society to get married, and for all the wrong reasons too. They become more focused on getting to the end of the journey, and miss out on making the best choice in a partner.
This is my basic list of non-negotiables in continuation of the Woman Pastor Seeks Virtuous Husband article.
The Virtuous Husband is:
- Domesticated or ‘house broken’ if you prefer. For me, virtuous husbands do household chores too. His masculinity is not undermined by the mop in his hand.
- A deeply spiritual Christian man, not just a church member. We should also agree on fundamental socio-religious issues like women’s rights and sexism for starters…
- Humble enough to admit that he does not know everything and mutual submission in a marriage means that his wife should in all sensibility take the lead in such areas where she is more gifted and he does the same where he is more gifted.
- Self confident and Secure in himself and his own knowledge – and yet, will seek advice and counsel from his wife. He knows he is not in a competition, or a dictatorship. He married a thinking adult and shouldn’t be putout that she actually uses her brain and has an opinion or several.
- Emotionally healthy, and stable with no latent resentment toward women, insecurities, untreated jealousy or deeply buried rage.
- An excellent listener who listens with his ears, eyes, heart and mind. Paying equal attention to what is not said or done sometimes speak louder than what is spoken or acted out.
- Is Better than Botox. His wicked sense of humour and his ability to laugh at himself will ease the strain at critical moments. And dramatically reduce my frown lines..
- A Faithful spouse who remains committed to the life where he is often alone. His wife is out a lot, and has many late meetings and functions, more often than the average man could tolerate. He’s not the average man with an average mind…
- A good manager exercising faithful stewardship over the gift of family and all the family’s resources. No addictions to put this at risk, e.g. – gambling, abuse of substances, or such the like.
- Not jealous of his wife’s success and will do everything possible to support her career not undermine it.
These Essential Qualities of A Virtuous Husband are as I said basic non-negotiables. I stopped at 10 because I think all the little details that usually cause problems can be worked out in one or several of the items listed above. All of them are critically important so I didn’t bother to place them in any particular order. So, there you have it.
What are your non-negotiables? Share them with us
Marvia
Now this is interesting. I don’t know many women who have it all clearly defined like this. Come to think of it I don’t know much people in general who have what they want in a spouse as clearly defined as this. Parson Or not.
Knowing what you want is always a good thing. That is a major step towards getting what you really want.I love this post.
Must say i enjoy reading this one(as with the others). You know we often start out with “the non-negotiables” and some how end up with “the compromise” just to “make things work”. My sister if this is what and who you want i wish you all the best but i am not sure that there is such a one out there. As i have often said to you, You might have to go back in time and ask God to give you the technique of how to make “man”.
@ Duane
Glad to know you enjoyed the post my brother.
@Empress,
You sparked a response that was too long to go here. I had to turn it into a post.
Why Making A Virtuous Man Is A Bad Idea…check it out later.
Hey this is an interesting post and i don’t think the ten things listed here are unreasonable. In fact reading this caused me to go for my list. I’ve got 26 stuff on my list, but thats just because i was just listing and not really grouping them. So i took out my list and everything fit comfortably under one of your headings except for one. The issue of sex. As my list was also one of concerns i’d hope to pray about i had ‘that we should satisfy each other sexually’. Though this is not something that i’d be able to established ‘in practice’ before marriage, it is defiantly something that should be talked about openly to get the individual’s views and expectations of how they envision their sex life in marriage. I’m aware that sex shouldn’t be the foundation of any marriage but it should be part of the puzzle that fits neatly.
You are so right Derri,
Thanks for sharing that you do have a list. Some persons actually think its a weird and useless exercise. They will readily say they know what they are looking for but when pressed to be specific…well it shows they need a list.
Thanks for raising the sex issue. I do agree that there should be compatibility in this area. What I have not figured out is how one can practically know before marriage and remain consistent with Christian teachings on ‘sex’ outside of marriage.
Some Christians say wait and see it’s not important to know beforehand while others say it is possible to see signs based on your early attraction as to whether you’ll be sexually compatible.
Early attraction does not always guarantee later compatibility. Usually, persons do not even reveal in courtship – their ‘freaky’ side or their ‘ultra-conservative side’. Both of these can pose a problem for a partner who is not similarly inclined.
Maybe because Christians do not like to talk openly about sex, we do not hear much about how dissatisfied some couples are in this area and how it contributes to the breakdown of marriages.
We’ll have to keep this conversation going..
I see nothing wrong or strange with having a list of non-negotiables. Furthermore, as I read Pastor Marvia’s list, there is NADA that was not, is not and will not remain on mine. Yes, I have such a virtuous male wife, and here is the ting now mi bredren and sistren- ‘Im is a Minister in the Maker’s Vineyard. Things are not perfect but after all, there is always that element of communication which easily puts things back into perspective. Some people say that I am the one who run things, but such an incorrect conclusion would be easily drawn in a world that is overtly patriarchal. Things are a partnership and I have reserved the right to express my opinion and to listen to his. To reiterate the need for the list is to mention the cliche: “If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything”. For me, interwoven with the items on P. Marvia’s list is my discernible spirit to realise that what ah was seeing is what ah was getting- no flairs, nothing sugar coated, nothing “put on”. Yes, it is true that you never really know someone, but there are things to look for to know if the person is being true to himself- Is he constant in the following assessment patterns: How does he respond to other women other than you?; What characterises the relationship between him and the other women in his life (like his mother, sisters)?; Is he a lover of people and not just women? Better to make a list with non-negotiables than eventually ending up on a list of failed ‘marriagables’!- womanistmrf
Interesting…but member mi tell you… all that glitter is not gold. As we say in Antigua ” see me and live with me are two different things”. What you see is not always what you get.
Womanistmrf,
Welcome! Sorry for the delay in responding to your comment. I was on a ‘Caribbean tour’…:-)
Thanks for sharing your insights. I loved this – “Yes, I have such a virtuous male wife, and here is the ting now mi bredren and sistren- ‘Im is a Minister in the Maker’s Vineyard.”
I am happy to hear that your Virtuous Husband is a man of the cloth who is comfortable in his own skin.
Nuff Respect to you my brother!!
Looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts.
The touchy (if you will excuse the pun) subject of sexual compatibility before marriage can be satisfied (again, excuse the pun!) quite simply by following the guidance laid out quite clearly in Romans 8, “they that are in the flesh cannot please God.” If you keep your eyes off guys’ butts and pecs and on God, he will drop that perfect guy in your life. After making a complete and total mess of my love life by following what my hormones led me to do instead of what God had for me, I decided to turn over my life to him – including dating and sex. He has shown me through prayer and meditation that even lust can cause us to look favorably on a man who is otherwise unsuitable, and skew our judgment. Your vision and judgment will be much clearer and you will be able to hear God’s voice much more clearly if you keep your thoughts on God and your hormones under control.
These days even men and women in the body of Christ seem to feel that sexual activity between potential mates is acceptable behavior, when in fact it is a road to making emotional instead of spiritual decisions, quite often with disastrous results.
Hello Ed,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this one. Yes the issue of appropriate sexual behaviour among Christians is a controversial one.
You are right in pointing out that these are the days of making ‘emotional’ rather than ‘spiritual’ decisions. That is true. Unfortunately, there with the big profit margins from selling ‘romance’. Therefore not many people let alone Christians stop to consider what the Spirit might be saying in their situation. They don’t look beyond the heat of the moment. It’s all about satisfaction in the here and now. So thanks again for sharing.
New Year Blessings on you.